Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop [flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet] ME: hurricane

Regarding hungergames mockingjay Who is jay? and why are they always mocking him?

My greatest fear is sitting in front of thousands of people while my Google search history is read aloud.

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

I’ve just written a song about tortillas – actually, it’s more of a rap.

What is Adam Johnson’s favourite kill streak? Predator missile

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

What do you call a Jewish piano? A cash register.

War doesn’t determine who is right… It only determines who is left.