Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

– Baby, I just want everything to be like it was at the beginning. – When we first met? – No, before that.

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Today I swallowed two pieces of string… Later they came out tied together, I shit you knot.

How do you turn tap water into holy water? You boil the HELL out of it! Har har har.

Why was Chuck Norris born by her aunt? Because no one dared to fuck his mother…

What do you call a wine convention in upstate New York? The Lake Champlain Champagne Campaign

With-holding Sex Always Make Them Crack I’m with-holding sex from countless women at the moment, and they won’t even budge.

Does the defense have any last words? “Yes I do your honor… THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA” [Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

“Haha, you thought I was a quarter.” -nickels