I like my women like I like my peanut butter… …brown, smooth, and easy to spread. Props to Shakes the Clown.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! The job isn’t for everyone, but hay, it’s in his jeans.

Why did the physicist masturbate to the electron? It was in the excited state.

Congratulations to Janet Jackson for having a baby at age 50! When I was 50, I wasn’t even strong enough to push a child out of my way.

What did the elephant say to the naked man “How do you breath through that thing?!”

Q. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? A. The 1995 Hide and Seek World Champion.

Why do boys walk fast and girls speak more? Because boys have one extra leg and girls have one extra mouth.

What did the cow say to the hay? I chews you

What do Americans and Putin have in common? They’ll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.