“my dad could beat up your dad” we’re brothers you idiot *cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

Want did the Alzheimer say to the shoe?

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the Doctor where I should put my pants.. “Over there, beside mine” wasn’t the answer I was expecting.

What do you call someone who’s studied Old Norse literature and become an expert. Well edda-cated.

A bit too dark possibly. The war in Vietnam started in 1955 and in 2015 The Charlie was finally massacred.

What do you call a herd of masturbating cows? Beef stroganoff

Working in porn for the free sex is like working at Chipotle for the free burritos Yeah, you’re getting paid, but it destroys your asshole

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life. LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder. JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.