My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

When do the leaves begin to turn? The night before a test.

What’s it called when Batman leaves church early? Christian Bale.

Why do I have migraines? Well I can’t have yourgraines, now can I?

What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg? Limp Biscuit.

I’ve never skydived but I’ve checked Twitter on my phone while standing over a toilet. So, I get the gist.

Who looks after the EuroDisney website? Mick e-mouse.

What’s the difference between a boy scout and a Jew? Boy scouts come back from camp.

Did you hear about the Murfreesboro muddlebrain whose father told him about the birds and the bees? The next day the Tennessean was stung by a bee and thought he was pregnant.

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.