What the Mayans taught me The Mayans taught me that if you don’t finish something, it’s not really the end of the world.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop eating Pasta Now I’m feeling cannelloni

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute. I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter what you call it, it’s not going to come.

What’s the difference between a camera and a foot? A camera has photos and a foot has five toes. (Told to me by a 9 year old child I work with)

I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.

A hipster walks into a bar… …and asks the hipster bartender for a beer. Bartender says – we don’t serve hipsters… ironically.

What does Donald Trump call a hundred dollar bill? Trump change

My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.. .. It’s called Trydixagain.