After seeing the “Women don’t talk much in Star Wars” video… Maybe that’s how they got so much done

Did you hear the one about the dad that said son if you keep masturbating you’ll go blind! The son said dad I’m over here.

I’m fluent in Morose Code. -Debbie Downers

[For enemies] You know the difference between you and I? You came out of your mom. I came in her.

Hospitals are so shady nowadays… Even the doctors are drug dealers.

If a psychic goes to the bathroom in the forest, does he make a sound? No, because the “p” is silent.

Coma’s can really change the meaning of a sentence… For instance: * Hillary is in a hurry. * Hillary is in a coma.

What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common? Jesus can make them both wine.

[police station] “sir you get one phone call.” [calls 911] “hello 911 what’s your emergency?” yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

In 1973, the Six Million Dollar Man consisted of a bionic man with super powers… In 2016, the Six Million Dollar Man consists of two hip replacements.