Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife.

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

I’m going to open a summer camp for kids with ADD And call it ‘The Concentration Camp’

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala] Waiter: “what can I get u?” “do u have any eucalyptus?” *restaurant goes quiet*

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

What do you call a bra designed for neutrois? Ze-bra

[NSFW] I’ve been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool. 5×0=0

Fifty Shades of Grey was disappointing. All those blindfolds and not a single person swung at a pinata.

What do you call a line of men waiting to get a hair cut? A barbecue