Want to hear something really fun about science? You would. Nerd.

i heard a rumor about a horny mistake yeah, they say the mistake also has no life so the mistake just goes around the /r/joke subreddit to use up his time.

At the Special Olympics they don’t use starter pistols… They use Spud Guns.

If you don’t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn’t get your money’s worth.

*opens car door to drop kid off at school & sees kool aid instead* If you’re here then.. [cut to kid bursting through a wall like ‘oh yeah’]

What’s the difference between a Pakistani mosque and a Afghanistan mosque and an Iraqi mosque? How should I know, I just fly the drones.

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater ,for this year I would prefer a squirter or a moaner .

Today I went down on my girlfriend Period.

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..” Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

A friend asked me, “Did you know Isaac Newton died a virgin”? I replied, “What colour?”