How do you subdue a large snake? You use a boa restrictor

I’d make a joke about mentally handicapped people… But I can’t compete with the one God already made

Did you hear that the energizer bunny was arrested? He was charged with battery.

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.. I should have put it on aloha setting.

Why is it never hot in churches? Because it’s prayer conditioned. I’ll leave now….

Say what you want about Canada but they successfully got rid of Justin Bieber.

How do you know if somebody is a vegan? Don’t worry, they’ll fucking tell you.

Why don’t blind people go skydiving? It scares their dogs.

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

If anyone can put the “i” in “Team” it’s Apple.