They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

I have two boyfriends! Well, I’m dating two men Okay. Ben and I are just friends Same with Jerry Fine. I have ice cream. But it’s love.

Yo mama so fat… She makes Chow Yun-Thin. (sorry..reddit)

my boss is asking how I’m feeling today how do I explain that I’ve done about 20 grams of animal tranquilizer within 5 days

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

So I went clubbing last night… Those seals didn’t stand a chance.

If these walls could talk, I bet it would sound like someone was trapped in the wall and we’d all freak out pretty bad.

“You go girl” – asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs.

How do you get a clown to stop smiling? Hit him in the face with an axe