What do you call a monkey in a suit? Over-dressed!

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”

*Do not consume if seal is broken* I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

A Comparison What is the difference between a women’s track team and a pack of gerbils? The gerbils are a bunch of cunning runts.

I’ve only taught my parrot to say “REPETITION” so far. Next I’m going to teach him to say “IRONY AND ANNOYING ARE SYNONYMS”. “SQUAWK!”

Dear Santa, Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

Nothing says “I hope your birthday sucks as much as you do” like an Applebees’ gift card.

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.