How are buttsex and asparagus the same? If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult.

They say blondes have the most fun They also say ignorance is bliss.

ME: these gummy bears are delicious WIFE: those are daily vitamins ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

BREAKING: Republicans may oppose President Obama’s decision to skip breakfast.

Why did the man wear a diaper to the bar? So he could save his stool.

Why is Santa’s Sack So Big Because he only comes once a year.

What is it called when an Ethiopian takes a shit? Bragging

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

Well this should spice things up. I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Why did the chicken cross the road? KANYE WEST – Beyonce should have crossed the road, not the chicken!