My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish she used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time

I wrote a song about tortilla’s Well. It’s more of a wrap.

Him: Sir, you don’t have the experience or fitness to be a fireman. Me: But, I got a mustache! Him: That’s cat fur attached with frosting.

I listen to trump rallies before I go to bed They’re all white noise.

A man walks into a bar with a gun And shouts, “Who the hell fucked my wife?!” A man in the back replied “You haven’t got enough bullets mate!”

I’m pretty sure Kanye West is the reason why we arent allowed to retweet our own tweets.

Chess Set “I’d like to buy this chess set please” “How will you be paying, sir?” “Check mate”..

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar