My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

LAWYER 1: numbers never lie so I call numbers to the stand LAWYER 2: your honor I call shakiras hips to the stand JUDGE: damn lol

check if your cocaine is good, mix in vinegar. If it makes a volcano, its baking soda. If not, your drugs is ruined. Drugs are always bad.

White folk hate math. Especially when they heard in Calculus they’d have to integrate.

How does a mathematician ask for money? Give me 10! dollars

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.” The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

Today, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships… Apparently “in HD” was not the right answer.

…how is life in North Korea? I can’t complain.

Mary: Do you think my sister’s pretty ? Gary: Well let’s just say if you pulled her pigtail she’d probably say ‘oink oink ‘!

Why do men like breasts so much? They prove men can concentrate on two things at once.