After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium hooked up last night. I was like OMg.

“Knock knock” “Who’s there?” And it was at that moment when Peter broke down in tears, having realized that his mother’s Alzheimer disease had finally reached past the point of no return.

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

Why do men die before their wives? – They want to.

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad? -People who are about to piss you off

What happens when you have ear sex You get hearing aids

In America, people rob banks … In Soviet Russia, Banks rob you ! 🙂

What comes after Ebola? Fbola.

Q: Why couldn’t the faucet be within 100 feet of the pasta bowl? A: There was a restraining order.