They asked me if I was into minors… I said, “Bro, hell no. That coal gets messy.”

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

Why can’t pedophiles eat butter? It will raise their molesterol.

Why are crime rates down in the US? Because criminals keep turning themselves into police.

I’m on a roll tonight! Whoops! Never mind, it was just a muffin.

How does the vicar explore the Internet? With the church mouse.

What’s a cats favourite dictator? Chairman Maow

Why did the doctor kick his patients? He was trying to heel them.

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that? Me: He’s on paws. X: … Me: On… paws. X: I hate you so much.

What do you call it when Gandhi starts a food fight? Naan violence