I’m not sure who told bald guys they were required to have goatees, but they all fell for it.

My favorite Knock Knock Joke. “Knock Knock” “who’s there” “I got up” “I got up who?” “then the bathrooms over there”

I wish someone would hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay and then just kinda turn into like $20,000 in cash.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

This one time, I went to prison, but I got out without a scratch- I beat off all the other prisoners

What did one autumn leaf say to another? I’m falling for you.

I can’t fall asleep/So I think of some haikus/I should go tweet one!

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1000 bones in the human body? Larry: Shhh doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!

What did the dentist say to the golfer? “You have a hole in one. “

What does a feminist and a tampon have in common? They’re both stuck up cunts.