Pretty cool that there’s no law saying you can’t name your kid Squidward if you want.

I think the government just un-friended us.

Why could Don Juan always pick up girls in his car? It was electric. Also, the car had a set of hands.

Me: Jimi Hendrix? Daughter: Who? Me: Beatles? Daughter: Who? Me: Doors? Daughter: Who? Me: Justin Bieber? Daughter: Hate him. Me: Thank God.

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate? Because of the silent P.

Looking at cows in a field, how can you tell which one’s on holiday? It’s the one with the wee calf. (Think Scottish)

Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it’s just people watching.

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

How many redditors does it take to screw in a new lightbulb? Zero. Somebody already did it.