What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a rooster? An itchy cock

“You can’t stand there.” “Not there, either.” “Nope that spot’s taken, too.” -Ground hogs

Yo momma Is so fat, that she has her own event horizon!

Civil War Jokes you say? I General Lee don’t find them funny

What is Donald Trump’s favourite nation? Discrimination

A man enters a library A man goes to the library and asks for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds “Fuck off, you’re not gonna bring it back.”

A psychic goes to buy clothes Employee: how about this one? Psychic: That top is too small Employee: You didn’t even try it on Psychic: I’m a medium

Why can’t the hydraulic press guy bring himself to crush a can of sprite? Because it’s soda pressing

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you’re thinking to yourself, “But Chuck Norris isn’t black”, then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.