My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

Police responded to a call where the husband was beating his wife with a flashlight… The man was charged with assault; flashlight charged with battery.

Well r/boobs is still working fine!

“The shortest distance between two points is a straight line” Triggered. Discriminates against gay lines.

What do you call Minecraft in Germany? NEIN-CRAFT!

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

Jesus and the blind man… What did Jesus say after he healed the blind man? Made you look!

I cheated on my girlfriend once. I was playing monopoly and I took some money from the bank when she wasn’t looking. Then I went upstairs and fucked her sister.

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

I’m going out of this world the way I came in it… Inside a drunk college drop out covered in the blood of an unborn twin.