When people say they did something “like a boss” I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

I’m concerned that little girls are being taught it’s okay to eat.

What do you call a black guy who just graduated from medical school? Doctor, you racist son of a bitch.

Politics is an “I’m not an asshole” contest for assholes.

Did you know John Denver had dandruff? Yeah, after his plane went down they found his Head and Shoulders washed up on a beach.

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?……No one knows they never keep the house!

I got infatuated with a pizza. I thought it was just a *crust*. But damn, it was love at first *slice*

So I went to the proctologist…. [insert joke here]

When you order a Coke and are asked if Pepsi is OK should be considered a hate crime.