*Kanye West’s dating show* 10 women stand in front of me and I only have 9 roses. BUT WAIT… They’re all for me *Kanye wins dating show*

Why could the chef not cook a tree branch? Because he used a non-stick pan.

What did the mexican say when he hugged a cactus Ay, Ay, Ay, Ayy

People are weird. Everyone knows door handles spread disease, but whenever I ask a business owner if I can clean his knob I get thrown out.

All the workers at the nuclear reactor plant left work. They left a sign at the door. What did it say? Sorry! Gone fission.

I was gonna make a joke on Reddit.. .. but I guess you’ve already Reddit somewhere.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby. Apparently that’s not allowed if the baby is yours.

Things I Hate: slow internet connection and monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday and half of friday.

What do you call it when you lease false teeth? A dental rental.

A nasty little joke Q: How can you make a gay man fuck a woman? A: By shitting in her cunt.