Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

In Defense of James Buchanan: Rehabilitating an American President (lol no)

Yo mama so lazy she’s got a remote control just to operate her remote!

“Mom, I’m here to make your boobs big.” – smiling 3 yr old comes out of garage with a bike pump.

I stole a wolf pup from a rundown wildlife refuge. Turns out it was just a Shih Tzu.

When you first meet a potential partner, slap them in the face. That way, later on in the relationship they cant say, ‘you don’t treat me like you used too!’

What do you call a man with a nose but no body? nobody knows

Two guys walk into a bar… Don’t you think the second guy would have ducked?

Nestle has taken to putting “Do not consume raw cookie dough” on all of it’s cookie packages Oh, Nestle You don’t know me at all, do you?

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.