What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary? An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names…

You know what’s the only difference between Martin Luther King day and St. Patrick’s day? Everybody wants to be Irish on St. Patrick’s day.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot? A. The thought had never entered his head before.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

Did you hear about the country adopting a “Get to it Later” policy? I guess you could say it’s a procrasti-NATION

What is the biggest key when moving a piano up a flight of stairs? Be sharp or Be flat.

When a woman says, “I’m NOT crazy” *clapping her palms together per syllable* That’s universal for, “You’re going to die.”

What do you call an openly gay detective? Surecocks Holmes

Don’t do the pathetic baby talk when talking to the baby. They don’t understand you any better. You don’t go up to a dog and start barking.

Why do people in France have to eat frog legs that “taste like chicken”? If they eat real chicken they’ll be arrested for cannibalism. Edit: grammar