What goes dot dot dash squeak ? Mouse code !

What do cannibals put in their soup? Ramen! ——– Before you judge harshly, I would like to state that this was invented by a six year old, all on his own, no coaching.

I long for the innocence of youth, back when I was happy just playing with a slinky all day Things are so different now. It’s like, 3…4 hours tops and I’m bored with the thing.

Life is like a bunch of chocolates It doesn’t last long when you’re fat.

Me: Your cat looks pregnant Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat Me: What have you done

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

They say I have cancer and Alzheimers… But at least I don’t have cancer!

hope no vids surface of the time i opened a bag of potato chips and one flew out and hit me in the eye

I am on a seafood diet Every time I see food, I eat it.

Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”