*beats arachnophobia* *trips over child dressed as Spider-Man* *fears spiders again*

Two retirees meet in a cafe. The first retiree says, “Hey Stan! I didn’t see you at the doctor’s yesterday. Are you sick?”

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

What do you call the urge to crack open a cold one? Necrophilia.

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

How do you tell a dyslectic to take the left turn on the road? Turn toward your side!

Offense: When it’s a legal matter, it’s pronounced o-FENCE. When it’s sports, it’s pronounced OFF-ence. Climbing… ? A fence.

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

Why do so many girls wear sweaters that say ‘SuperDry’… It’s not like us boys wear sweaters saying ‘micropenis’

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever