What does Mr. T say when he sees a fat lady at a bar? I pity the stool!

A beggar once asked me, “Any change?” I said, “Nope. You’re still broke.”

My boss just told me that I’m doing the work of three men… Moe, Larry and Curly

Are these the Americans? No. Are these the Americans? No. Are these the Americans? No. – watching the Olympics with my wife

What kind of music do wind turbines listen to? They’re huge metal fans.

HER: I hate you ME: Hate is such a strong word [cut to hate benching 300 lbs] HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

What do you get if you cross a Phyllis with a Christine? A Philistine with two mommies …

My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.

Coworker: I was named after my grandfather. Me: Of course you were, he was born first.

What does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced? A buck-an-ear