I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes and post them here for karma I still do, but I used to as well

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

What do Marie Curies Notebooks and a defected KGB agent have in common? They both won’t be investigated very closely.

Hey let’s meet somewhere for drinks and text the people we’d rather be hanging out with.

[shopping] [wife being a real pain] Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

Went to the zoo and the only animal there was a good looking dog… It was a pretty shih tzu

What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys? Coach.

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar. A practice that still continues

I managed to lose 245lbs of unsightly flesh… Divorced the wife.