What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

I’m so terrible at Chess. The only way I’ll ever get to say “Checkmate” is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia.

I once dated a girl with a wandering eye… …but she was seeing somebody on the side.

How do you circumcise a redneck… Uppercut his sister in the jaw.

I don’t know why they run marathons in Germany…. They have a history of not finishing races.

I think unscented candles are bullshit… cuz every candle smells like something’s burning. (Best read in a Hedberg voice.)

A man has been arrested after a bungled attempted at the theft of a combine harvester, during which he fell into the working parts of the machine. Police expect him to be bailed tomorrow.

I have a test on Islam next period in my World Cultures class… I’m gonna bomb it.