You know why men die earlier than women? Because we WANT to!

A cell’s sister stepped on the cell’s toe. “Mitosis”

What’s Hillary’s favorite pizza place? Little Seizures Edit: credit to Joe Biggs @rambobiggs

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.

How do Russians in the taiga make fun of each other online? -bullying

What do you call an airplane that has sex with both men and women? A biplane.

Did you hear about the man with five penises? His pants fit like a glove

I was walking through town yesterday, when I came across a large black man with a mohawk and jewellery. He said, “I piy the fool.” I said, “Hey, you missed a T.”

You can’t know a person well until you live with them. You can’t know them really well until you divorce them.

The thermostat was invented 125 years ago, but I have yet to work in an office with one that has anything but Africa and Sibera as settings.