What’s the difference between an orphanage and a beach ball? You won’t go to prison for blowing up a beach ball.

[Bowling Alley] “I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left” *gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My mother thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My mother weighs 950 dollars.

[Game of Thrones] What happens if Ramsay Bolton met Samwell Tarly’s girlfriend? Gilly suit

You know what they say about a man with average sized feet. It’s really easy to find shoes for him.

I haven’t had anything to eat all year. It’s 12:01 January 1st where I am

What do you call clothes for a car? A tire.

I was going to make a dubai joke But all the good ones are overused, emirate?

I dropped my phone when my friend accidently bumped my arm. It didn’t break but for a moment I saw her whole life flash in front of my eyes.

My mum at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mum in the morning: Wake the fuck up you lazy piece of shit.