Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord will clear my browsing history.

How do you Circumcise a whale? Send down four skin divers.

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I “ruined” her birthday… ..I’m not sure how that’s possible, I didn’t even know it was her fucking birthday.

What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell

What’s the difference between a Southern wedding and a Southern tornado? Nothing – either way someone’s gonna lose a trailer *shamelessly stolen from Robin Williams

Damn girl are you a pair of sexy knickers??? You’re cute on the outside but you’re only covering a c*nt

An English professor sees a gorgeous blond at a party . . . “Pardon me,” he says, “but do you enjoy Kipling?” “Gee, I don’t know,” says the blond. “I’ve never kippled before.”

Say what you will about Vlad the Impaler He was one hell of a proctologist.

If I rape a prostitute, Is it shoplifting?