If you get nervous during sex, just pretend like everyone watching you is naked.

Lazy is a strong word. I prefer to say that the stars are reaching for me

It’s Black Friday, and I just got an iPhone 6 for my wife I thought it was a good trade. Thanks to /u/darcyboy on this one!

Knock knock joke Knock knock Whos there Broken Pencil Broken Pencil who Never mind…its pointless!

Russia’s Three Steps to Homework Step 1. Putin it off Step 2. Stalin Step 3. Russian to finish

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is there to hear it… do the other trees laugh at it?

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.

Why did the poor art collector only buy miniature paintings? He wanted more Monet in his wallet.

What does Paddy Irishman says when he meets a one legged jockey? How’re you gettin’ on?