I’m going to confess my love to this sore throat so it’ll be gone when I wake up in the morning.

How many sexual orientations does a physicist have? Six: Up, Down, Strange, Charm, Top and Bottom.

‘Benjamin Button.’ ‘BENJAMIN WHO?’ ‘Benjamin’ ‘WHO’S THERE?’ ‘Knock knock!’

My poetic look on the election Roses are Red. Violets are Blue. Damn it, America! What the fuck did you do?!

I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife “you said you wanted the biggest one right” Because I’m a great husband

Have you heard of that family fun game Beat the Parents? Talk about a double standard.

I am completely outraged by JJ Abrahms saying the next Star Wars will have an openly gay character in his science fiction franchise Star wars is Science Fantasy, not Science Fiction

How did the bottle of whiskey laugh? …wryly.

My first job… My first job out of college was a “diesel fitter” at a pantyhose factory… As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, “Yep, deez’ll fit her!”

Who is FAPMAN’s greatest nemesis? The Stroker.