Do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

A dung beetle walks into a bar…. The bartender asks,”What’s with the round faeces?”

What do you call a Frenchman that wears sandals? Phillipe Floppe Courtesy, my Neuroscience Prof.

Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.

“yo Adam, Eve, don’t eat from that tree ok?” “Why God?” “CUZ I INSTALLED THIS SWEET BURGER KING BRO” “AW HELL YEAH” *God & Adam chest bump*

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

John: we need a new word for foolishness Tom: How about johnfoolery lol John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

Why did the polygons of Geometric Grove disapprove of their new triangle neighbor? He was a degenerate triangle.

Facebook is like a prison. You look around, write on walls, and are poked by people you don’t know.