*Sat talking to a girl at a bar* Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely. Me: I AM SMELLING YOU Brain: Why do you hate me?

“And this is my creepy husband, John.” (The way my friend should introduce her husband)

Watching “Annie” all I could think was, “That redhead kid is going to make a hideous adult.”

I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

How many qataris does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just make the nepalese do it.

What did the Ottoman Sultan do when he got home from campaigning? He got his dick out for his Haram bae’s.

Whenever a woman tells me that she just wants to have a good time and sleep with me, I say “You can only pick one.”

I went up to Serena Williams. I said, “Serena, what’s your favourite planet?” She said, “It’s Venus.” I said, “Oh sorry, Venus, what’s your favourite planet?”

What is the difference between a blonde in a church and a blonde in the bath tub? One has hope in her soul…

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet! Me: Wow you go girl! TVA: turning to weather… M: Oh…