[girl points at my scar] What happened? Oh that? Old sports injury. [flashback to me sprinting after an ice cream truck]

Dave drowned So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It’s what he would have wanted. (Gary Delaney)

I’m glad twitter is new because nobody needs to see Michelangelo rt’ing every time someone mentions how majestic the Sistine Chapel is.

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

Who handles font related crimes? A sans sheriff!

Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.

A man is on trial for beating his wife with his guitar collection The judge asks, “first offender”? The man replies, “No, first a Gibson; then a Fender.”

Women are like ice cream.. They’re cold at first, if you keep them warm they melt, then they get fucking sticky.

Why were the racist oranges upset when they checked out the small phonebook of their new city? Because it was mini apple list.

What is a crocodile’s favorite food? Post to /r/askscience asshole