I found out I’ve been spelling pedo wrong for years. It’s actually paedo. Always handy to spellcheck a CV.

My coffee tastes like dirt! What gives? It’s fresh ground.

Stop thinking that aliens are green! I mean seriously, I saw a few brown skinned Mexicans…

A lion would NEVER cheat on his mate But a Tiger Wood. XD

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat] Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

Why Did The Hedgehog Cross The Road? Because he wanted to see his flat mate.

Life is like toilet paper you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

What do you call a tin can that’s done with High School? A graduated cylinder!

“I am leg end” – a foot

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute