Light a fire for a man and he’ll be warm for the evening. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

What’s the worst STD you can get from a black man? Pregnancy.

What do you call a homesick Asian? Disoriented

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!” – me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

I’m rubber, you’re glue, we’re both living a nightmarish existence as self-aware inanimate objects. Someone please kill us.

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

Why don’t robots have any brothers? They all have transisters.

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

Did you hear they invented a new logical fallacy, the “ad homonym” attack? … It’s not what it sounds like.

Boss – can you pass a piss test? Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?