Which vampire ate the three bears’ porridge? Ghouldilocks.

A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy. Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff date: Are u reading off notecards M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

This is incredible. My iPhone’s battery has made it 3 hours without needing to be charg

I bought Nickelback’s greatest hits And it was just a blank CD.

[Pun] Why did Henry invent the assembly line? He couldn’t a-Ford not to. *bad-dum tish*

What did God say when he saw the first black person? Ooops, I burnt one!

What is the cheapest meat you can buy? Deer balls…because it’s under a buck.