“So, you speak German?” “NEIN!”

Did you hear about the farmer who did geometry? He was pro – tractor

They say you’ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there’s some middle step I’ve been missing?

Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” as a swear word

It’s always fun running into an old friend you haven’t seen in a while. But then you usually wind up regretting hitting them with a car.

Whats the worse part of being a pedophile? Trying to fit in.

My girlfriend told me to stop singing “Wonderwall”. I said Maybe!!

At this point I’m a little offended the lady at #Chipotle still asks what I want. This is my 4th burrito today. Bitch, I know you know me.

The police and a hole. There is a sinkhole in the street and the police are looking into it. Oh yeah, Jerry fell in from looking to closely.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and scream.