I took my kids to the zoo to see exotic cats, but we couldn’t find the ocelots I think we just got ocelost.

What’s the difference between a magician’s wand and a nightstick? One is used for cunning stunts, the other is used for stunning cunts.

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60 My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

This bloke said to me, “Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?” I said, “Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy.”

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a drink and a mop.

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? He doesn’t, he’s dead!

Where did Saddam Hussein keep all of his CDs? In Iraq.

I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone… Now it’s Hans free…