Playing hide and seek in my office building because they can’t fire you if they can’t find you.

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

Today in 1892, JRR Tolkien was born. He wrote about all the horrible things that will happen if you put a ring on it.

TIL that although Sting has been missing for a week… The Police still have no lead

I like to spend my Sunday night wishing it wasn’t Sunday night.

I can never write a joke without being criticized about the punchline So fuck you guys

Why are marines who can’t swim better? They defend the ship with way more enthusiasm.

“The snack that smiles back…” “Babies!”

What do you call a leper in a jacuzzi? Stew. Bonus: what do you do if an epileptic jumps into a jacuzzi? You throw in your laundry.

You know what’s wild, a person can die from complications from Alzheimer’s. Even Wilder, it’s always in the Genes.