I got banned from the sperm bank the other day… They said I couldn’t come within five hundred feet of the building.

My girlfriend just said, “Your obsession with cats is out of control, so I’ve packed your bags.” I think she’s kicking meeeowt.

If you managed to figure out the code to someone else’s luggage… Could you say you solved the case?

*logs on* jesus christ *logs off*

My in-laws are visiting… This is their homicide note.

Why does China have such a large population??? Because their condoms were Made in China.

Have you heard of Eats Unwanted Leftovers Man? He’s the hero this city feeds

ok boss, i duck taped the hostage’s mouth shut “you mean duct taped, right?” um… *cuts to hostage with live mallard stuffed in his mouth*

If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working

2 drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Badum tsss.