Q: Why did the boy throw his clock out the window? A: He wanted to see time fly.

If everything is going your way You’re in the wrong lane

What did Helen Keller say when she picked up a cheese grater? That was the most violent book I’ve ever read……….

Virgin Airlines should just be itself. It’ll happen eventually.

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers

I used to always ask my mom for things & she’d say “what’s the magic word” and I’d say “abracadabra” and she’d say “you’re why dad left.”

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

What do the iPhone 5 and Viagra have in common? They’re both $700 for an extra inch!

“The trash compactor is full so just dump that in a pan for now.” – Inventor of the fruit cake.