I’m sure everything will be fine. I’m sure of lots of things that are wrong. I’m highly fallible.

What do a hockey player and a hippie chick have in common? They both shower after 3 periods.

wife: I saw in my dream that you were buying a diamond ring for me Husband: I saw your dad paying the bill… 😀

What did the black holes say when they collided? Nothing, they just waved. (Sorry)

What did the potato ask the cow? Give me some milk, and we can make mashed potatoes.

My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.

Are you in the top half of your class ? No I’m one of the students who make the top half possible !

Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself… a piece of cake.

Why is it so hard to find good posts on NSFW subreddits? Because every post is a sticky post.

trump is shitting furiously into a golden toilet right this moment