It seems I passed my mummy embalming exam… It was a no brainer!

driverless cars???? I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

Turns out, if I dress like a French maid, my husband doesn’t make me clean.

Tell a sad story in 4 words Lifetime Cleveland Browns fan

He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him. I’ll ask him again when he wakes up.

Another Dad Joke Dad: Guess who I saw today? Kid: Who? Dad: Everyone I looked at!

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

Why would you wrap a hamster in duct tape? So it doesn’t explode when you’re fucking it.

Osama Bin Laden had a stand up comedy special last night it bombed

Did you hear about the dancing girl? She danced on one leg and then the other, but she made her living between the two of them.