Trampolines used to be called jumpolines Until your mother jumped on one back in 87

How do you stop water from running? Don’t pay the water bill.

Squirrel sex What did the squirrel say after fucking an acorn? Best nut of my life

What do you get when you cross a bungee cord with an owl?? My ass.

What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana

What is the difference between a Mexican and a book? A book has papers.

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it. *hangs up* Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

Yesterday, Iran asked the U.S. for an extension on disabling their nuclear program. When asked how much time they needed, they said, “10, 9, 8…”

What do you call a whiny dog? A chi-WAAA-WAAA!!!!

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse [Everyone dies]