Last week I tried to give up swearing… …but said “fuck it” instead.

At first i was feeling a little grumpy, Then I was feeling happy, then a little sleepy and finally a little bashful. I am no longer welcome at my daughters school play of Snow white and the 7 dwarfs

My grandpa always said… They were so poor, if he wasn’t born a boy during the Depression, he would of had nothing to play with.

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

Only one person cried when Chuck Norris was born and that was the doctor…. no one slaps Chuck Norris

I started a diet two weeks ago So far I’ve lost 14 days

Whats better then a gold medal in the special Olympics? Not being retarded.

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question…… just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it